Cartman tells his friends about the odd dream he had of aliens abducting him and inserting things into his anus. Stan and Kyle try to convince him that the "dream" really happened, but Cartman dismisses them. Ike gets abducted and his brother Kyle tries to rescue him.
Stan's Uncle Jimbo and his friend Ned take Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman on a hunting trip in the mountains, but Stan is unable to shoot a living target. Back in town, Randy Marsh discovers that the mountain is a volcano that is about to erupt, and the townsfolk dig a trench to try and divert the lava. Cartman tells the story of Scuzzlebutt, a mutant creature, and decides to dress up as the creature to scare the others.
A big event is planned for the arrival of Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park, who comes to present an award to Eric Cartman. While the children take part in a cruel reenactment of the colonization of America, Mr. Garrison plots to kill Kathie Lee for beating him in a childhood talent contest.
Stan gets a new dog, Sparky, which he finds out is gay. This troubles Stan, who has to concentrate on quarterbacking the South Park Elementary football team against Middle Park. Stan could be key in beating the 70 point spread against them. Sparky, after being hurt by Stan's feelings about his lifestyle, runs away and meets Big Gay Al.
Shelley has been beating up Stan and he does not know what to do. Kyle to decide to crossbreed his pet elephant with Cartman’s pot-bellied pig, Fluffy, to make little "pot-bellied elephants". Terrance bets Kyle that he can clone a whole person before Kyle can get a pot-bellied elephant. The boy's visit Dr. Mephisto's ranch, showing them his genetically engineered collection. Mephisto steals a blood sample from Stan and he and his assistant create a clone of Stan for Terrance (Mephisto’s son)'s science project.
Stan's Grandpa Marsh asks him to assist his suicide but Stan refuses. Meanwhile, Sheila Broflovski calls for a boycott of Terrance and Phillip in protest of its toilet humour. Kenny's explosive diarrhea spreads to the whole town. Grandpa Marsh convinces Stan to kill him. The boys try to help him, until Death shows up and begins to come after the boys ignoring Grandpa.
Kenny is killed by the Mir space station, and becomes a zombie. This gets unnoticed as he is thought to have dressed up for Halloween. Those who get bitten become zombies also, but are diagnosed with pinkeye. Chef is the only one to realize the truth and manage to tell Stan, Kyle, and Cartman about it just before he gets bitten too.
The boys send money to an African charity to get a sports watch, but they are instead sent the Ethiopian child Starvin' Marvin. Cartman is accidentally sent to Ethiopia himself, where he learned activist Sally Struthers is actually hoarding the charity's food for herself.
Kyle, who is Jewish, feels excluded from the rest of town during Christmas, and is comforted by Mr. Hankey, a talking and singing Christmas poo. Mr. Hankey does not come alive in front of anyone else, so everyone begins to think Kyle is losing his mind.
Mr. Garrison gets a nose job and quits teaching to be a model. Meanwhile, Stan has a crush on Miss Ellen, the substitute teacher, leading Wendy to threaten her to stay away from Stan. Determined to win her man back, Wendy decides to dig a little deeper into Miss Ellen's background to find out what secrets she is hiding.
Mr. Garrison takes his class on an archaeological dig for arrowheads. Cartman finds a mysterious triangle and the kids get on TV about this important discovery, which captures the attention of Leonard Maltin. He comes to South Park to warn about Barbra Streisand's desire to get the triangle.
Cartman begins to wonder why all the kids at school have fathers but him. When he asks his mother who his real father is, she tells him about the night of the Drunken Barn Dance, when he was conceived. Unfortunately, Mrs. Cartman had sex with just about every man in town that night.